ABC's for the GOPs

GOP-Speak

A Primer 

Wondering how it is that the Gophers* seem to be reading from the same page?  As the Sunday chat shows begin, and the Race for 2012 heats up, this may be a nice little reference guide.  Lots of underpants peeking out from behind the curtain.  Enjoy!

(*The only difference between GOPers and Gophers is one letter.  Gophers, however, are warm blooded and have some redeeming qualities)

A         Activist Judge – Any left-leaning bench-sittin’ person who rules against the GOP.   Special ire raised when ruling is in regard to Corporations, Women’s Health, Votin’, Prayin’, and State’s Rights. 

B          Balanced Budget Amendment – Legislation to ensure our Nation’s Budget is run like a household budget.  Yes, it  is simplistic, but it makes a hell of a talkin’ point.

C         Constitution – Holy Writ of the Founding Fathers.  To be used in the same manner; Literal Interpretation.  The Founders Wrote it, You believe it, nothing more to say about it.  Unless, God spoke to a member at C Street and “told him” to make changes.  See above.

D         Democrat – What one must endeavor* to refer to the Democratic Party as.  Makes a good sound bite. Use often. (*that means "try to")

E         Evolution – A “Theory” to be discounted and called into question.  Scientists from “faith-based” institutions only to be used as “experts.”

F         FISA – Just reauthorize. Don’t ask questions.  We know where you live and who’s on your speed dial.  Move along, nothing to see here.

G         Grover Norquist – You pledge allegiance to no-tax….one impaired revenue state, Under Grover, with liberty and poverty for the other 99%.  Vote for anything that smells remotely like a revenue increase and you best could update your resume – ‘cause we don’t need you to serve here ‘no more.

H         Homeland Security – to be used whenever possible – especially if Rudy is around.

I         Intransigence – Just say no.  Again and again and again.  Compromise is what the Democrat Party does.

J       Jobs – Make sure your sound bites are good, but do not pressure your ALEC-centric corporate masters who need to create a good chunk of these jobs.  Insist that the Government does not create jobs – even yours.  You are special, you are an anomaly. Your job was Constitutionally mandated.

K         K-Street; Be sure to send your checks now, ya’ hear? 

L         Liberals – To be spoken about with contempt; it is advised any Gopher running for office use the same tone as  “Communists.”  Tune in to Rush for instruction. 

M        Medicare and Medicaid – Cut, Cap & Trade – oh, wait, wrong talking point – use same basic model.

N        Nation – as in “our great” – use often; ensure audience knows WHO you are speaking about - the type of landed, educated, male-type people of means who would be familiar to the Holy Founders.  You know who we mean.

O       Ortho-Novem – and any other “girly things” like birth control, HPV vaccines, etc.  AVOID at all costs; too divisive.  Women cannot be subject to their husbands if they can control their own fertility, unless they want to be Tax Attorneys.

P          Planned Parenthood – Bad, Bad, Bad.  Just keep ‘a saying that 97% of their services are a-bor-shun related and 3% are cancer screening and routine health services; say it long enough and it will be regarded as Fact.  It works. (For further reading, please Turdblossom's publications on:  Iraq, EPA, Right to Work, Birth Certificates, Clean Coal...)

Q         Quick Fix – Assure voters that if YOU are elected, the Nation’s economic crisis isn’t hard to fix at all.  It’s easy!  Reference Grover's "deep thoughts" on taxation.

R          Redistricting – You want to get elected? Ensure the lines are drawn “correctly.”  Need help?  Can The Koch Brothers. ‘Nuff said. (See:  Wisconsin)

S         Strategy – Make POTUS a One-Term President. That’s its. That’s all we got - no, really.

T          Tommyknockers – And other scary boogeymen -“Russians”, “Communists”, “Terrorists” , “Al Kay-duh” and “Green Energy”.  Use scare tactics whenever possible.  Fear is a powerful weapon. Use it you pansy-ass.

U         USA – as in Made In – Oops, Sorry about that Newt.

V         Vasectomy – What all Health Insurance Plans should pay for instead of “The Pill” – oh, wait, that was Viagra.

W        W – Pretend he left the White House with nothing “broken” – like the Economy.  If you pretend stuff got broken when the New Guy moved in, W gets his security deposit back.  Come on, be a pal. 

X         X-rated;  No, not fracking or “living wage” or job loss -  run on a platform of Rated G – Everything – the whole country – Or the Family Research Council will not endorse you. Not sure how?  Call WalMart - they'll show you how.  Sure thing, they do it will stuff all the time!

Y        Yellowstone – Ensure voters understand “they” own Yellowstone. If there was a National Park on your land – wouldn’t you find out if it could make money? Oil? Gas? Let’s find out!   Added touch:  "This Land is Your Land" playing in the background.

Z         Zoo – What we have to “preserve” rare animals.  Natural Habitats are not required, especially when those damn bears are living on top’a oil.  Get out the way Mr. Bear (damn Democrat) – we gotta Drill Baby Drill.  Please note - Zoos may not be publicly funded, unless the animals in charge promise to promote Democracy and free elections.  Zoos may not be modeled on the UN.  Zoos, upon further review, are bad.  If 2 of each was good enough for Noah, that's all we need.   Zoos are secular propaganda.  2012: Gophers are officially anti-zoo.