#GOP Thanksgiving

White, Male, Christian Turkeys Only, Please.

Herman Cain

Will be dining at a National Restaurant Association member establishment as Mrs. Cain asserted, “If that MF thinks I’m making a meal for his touchy-feely ass, he has another thing coming; (grumbling) MF would probably feel up the damn turkey legs.”  Herman Cain said Herman Cain became distraught when he learned the restaurant’s Black Walnut cake was no longer on the menu.  

Mitt Romney

Will be having Turkey – No, Ham.  No, Turkey.  Mittens and his former “friends” will actually “acquire” a neighbor’s meal, sell it to another family, and make a profit.  Mitt is "pro-Thanksgiving" unless the polls suggest he should be "anti-Thanksgiving."

Michele Bachman

Will be making her “Subservient Special”: A traditional family-values Thanksgiving meal.  She and Marcus will fight over who wears the lacy apron.  Campain aide recently cautioned Ms. Bachmann to refrain from “Doing a Palin*” (*Being caught on video with “live turkeys in the shredder.”)

Rick Perry

Will be having “Turduckin.” (Turkey, Duck, and The Department of Energy) He will opine that the NFL games just aren’t the same without the insight and eloquence of John Madden.  Family members anticipate need to explain to Ricky why the “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” also includes Santa Claus.

Newt Gingrich

Will be dining on china and crystal purchased at Tiffany’s.  The meal will be proclaimed as “Made in USA”…even though it has not been.  His latest screed “Contract with American Turkeys” expected to be highlighted on Fox News.  He plans to bring up the crescent rolls on impeachment charges.

Jon Hunstman

Will offer a “Turkey Voucher Program” which would allow families to choose Mormon or non-Morman turkeys; this should not be confused with the “Huntsman Turkey Walk” which did not take place in China.  He will request guests pass dishes using specific language.* (* See also "Cap and Trade for the Cranberries.")

Rick Santorum

Will insist on a straight, white, Christian, male turkey.  Fails to see the irony. 

Ron Paul

Will be WORKING on that day as the Government has no right to enact a National Holiday. He may attend the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to shake his fist at the Snoopy Balloon.

George W. Bush

What more needs to be said to Frank Caliendo fans than, "Gobble, Gobble."