Monday, May 7, 2012

Decoding the Wall Street Journal

Corporate Speak, Progressive Speak, Evangelical Speak, Couple Speak.  We have all developed second "languages" understood in context.  After 20 years of marriage, The Underpants' typical conversation is something like this:  

Him: "Fat girl still itchy?"
Her: "Nah, put a pretty on her, she's bad again."

Translation:  Is Penny recovering after her run in with chiggers?  Yes! She had a bath, has a new collar and is "talking."  

(See below for illustration)

And now for something completely different...

As a (gag gift) subscriber to the WSJ, it appears the journalists at "Camp Rupert" have taken GOP finance and investing language aka "Journal Speak" to a whole new level.  This near code is approaching dog whistle in print.  Please play along as I attempt to translate.

WSJ: "Banks: Confusion Still Reigns on Volcker Rule"
Translation: We haven't figured a way around it yet.

WSJ:  "How to Play the Bond Market Now"   
Translation:  Ha Ha Sucker! BigBanks already invested AND hedged their bets, but they need to make a lot of money on YOUR money - put money into this market. Now. Right now. 

WSJ:  "Judge Puts Firms on Notice"
Translation:  DOJ and SEC are actively investigating; Shred = ClubFed;  see also

WJS:  "Unions Confront Rising Tide"
Translation:  Caterpillar CEO called WSJ to request Pro-Cat/anti-union article

WSJ:  "The New Greek Extremism"
Translation:  Shit! People are pissed about austerity and holding the EU accountable for Draconian tactics; EU Countries might impose progressive tax rates! Runaway! Angela where are you??

WSJ:  "Socialist France"
Translation:  See Above

WSJ:  "Buffett Looking Out of Step"
Translation: F you, Warren and your little Bershire dog too. Traitor. (Tomorrow's Headline:  "Flying Monkey Observed over Omaha")

WSJ:  "A Meaningful Measure of Pay Gap for Men and Women"
Translation:  Nothing to see here. No War on Women. Keep Calm and Carry On. Romeny 2012

WSJ:  "Obama..."
Translation:  Romney 2012

WSJ:  "Market..."
Translation:  Romney 2012

WSJ:  "What's Holding Women Back?"
Translation:  Romney 2012

Translation:  Romney 2012

(See below for illustration

1 comment:

  1. Businesses have a gazillion dollars sitting on the sideline waiting to invest and create more jobs in America.

    Translation: Blame it on Obama because people are stupid enough to believe this lie. Plus we can't let consumers know we are scared shitless about the global economy.