Ultimate Corporate HR "Wish List"

What Your HR Senior Executive Thinks About on the Golf Course

Ms. Underpants knows a thing or two about the Dark Side - i.e. Corporate America's Greed.   I worked in Corporate HR.  I need to do penance.  

To be clear:  Not all companies are awful.  Not all CEO's are money grubbing jackasses.  Not all HR Department VP's sell out for a seat at the "Big Kid's" table.

Most Do.

In honor of Labor Day I wrote about nice little tricks companies like to use vs. their own employees.  I regularly Tweet about "Top 10 Signs" your Company is launching a "Union Free" initiative.

Today, we all need a good laugh.  Here's a tongue in cheek look at what goes on in the mind of your HR Department's SVP while playing a round of golf... at the private club your company pays for as one of his perks.  I bet he wears plaid pants.  I bet they the golf pros and caddies laugh at him.  Good. 

1)  Vacation time is not legally required. Therefore, we will no longer provide it! Genius-level cost-saving measure.  We don't have to work on recruiting the "best and brightest" anymore - 99% of them are looking for jobs and will work without benefits.   What are they going to do? Protest? HA! Occupy THAT! 

2)  Let's take that a step further.  If we don't have "employees" we can get rid of benefits.  As of 1/1/2012 a mass "status change" to 1099 (i.e. contractors) will go into effect. Our Senior Executive Team will have more than enough cash for another round of bonuses and our annual "team building" can be at The Four Seasons in NEVIS! Yessssss! With the savings we can hire a private corporate jet - it will be easier to take our golf clubs and we won't have to "deal with" the security screening "those people" who fly commercial must endure!  Fore!  Note to self: Tell 'em to stock up on "Louie Tres."  The boys are ready to par-tee! BOOyeah!

3)  Just because I can - we will eliminate offices and open space work areas. We will build more cubicles, in a lovely, dispiriting, depressing grey, and admonish people (or fire them) for not "Thinking outside the box."  Ha Ha Ha. Get it?  They work IN a box, but have to think OUTSIDE the box.  Man, I'm good - that is almost sadistic.  Almost.

4)  For the remaining "employees" all Senior Managers will be required to "right size" by 40%.   Ensure Senior Managers demand a "Resignation Letter;" If employees resign - Voila! No Unemployment.  I am on a roll.  I bet these worker bee idiots don't know their rights!  As if THEY can afford a legal team! My standard response will be, "Ignorance of the Law is No Excuse."  - Yeah, that's good.  Better clear with legal on the next tee.

5)  These strategies must be shared.  Note to self:  Join next ALEC meeting and offer to participate in "Working Group" developing new model legislation. I bet Dave and Charlie will be all OVER this shit!