Thursday, April 5, 2012

J.P. Morgan Chase's 23 Million Dollar Man

Jamie Dimon's DINO Underpants

You, Sir, are a Guilded Elephant in Donkey-wannabe Drawers

...and in Ms. Underpants' World - that makes you nothing more than a common jackass.

Do tell why any human being - let alone a Robber Barron 2.0, otherwise known as a Wall Street banker is worth $63,000 and pocket change a day. According to the WSJ, JPM's CEO James Dimon, is now "King of Wall Street." Top Paid of the already Over Paid. Did this lovely $23M include last month's "Options Exercise" of roughly $14M?

Jamie, you and your kind are again changing the world.  People have stopped telling lawyer jokes and are now telling banker jokes! 

Fisherman:  "Captain, is there an actual nautical term for a boat capsizing?"
Captain:  "What do you do in life?"
Fisherman:  "I'm in banking"
Captain:  "I'd call it a public service."

What did 23M in capitalist cash compensation "get" We the People?  A cure for cancer? Development of a real "Warp Drive" for NASA? A return of Glass-Steagall? The end of World Hunger? The end of Poverty?  National Healthcare's #1 Supporter? No, none of the above.

$23M was the price tag for:

  • Authorizing $7,600,000 lobbying dollars in 2011(
  • Ensuring JPM was classified as a "Heavy Hitter" in nearly every category
  • Swearing a Vendetta against Senator Dick Durbin for imposing regulations on debit card fees banks like his may charge merchants (WSJ) (oh the horror!)
  • Naming JPM as a defendant in more than 10,000 lawsuits (
  • Naming JPM in numerous whistle-blowing cases and of course, that little robo-signing kerfuffle.
  • Handing out lots of pink slips
  • Learning "business ethics" from Sandy Weill's knee (yes, the Citigroup Sandy) and applying them...
  • Receiving $25B in TARP funds (You DID pay that back before ordering your new fleet of Corporate Jets for about $130M, didn't you?)
  • Access to Little Timmy at Treasury
  • A shout out from POTUS (We all make mistakes, sir, it's OK...remember "Hell of a job, Brownie"? - Well, Jamie's not quite that bad...)
Mr. Dimon's most redeeming or damning quality may be that he is allegedly a Democrat; in a paraphrase of  Molly Ivins, You Jamie Dimon, are not my kind of Democrat. 

No one is worth 23M. No one. 

Jamie apparently has already hinted at what he wants to do when he's tired of banking or has made enough F-You money; he wants to write. Without the benefit of a good editor.  This year's "letter to shareholders" was 39 pages; and of course, SCOTUS won't read that either. 

Here's an idea. Mr. D.  "reallocate" that 23M and all your "options" and do something for We the People like a real Democrat would:
  • Bring your call centers back to the US - without condition and without "Union Awareness Training"
  • Pay your damn corporate taxes
  • Fairly compensate US soldiers and others you "mistakenly" foreclosed on
  • Offer Free Checking - like Credit Unions IS a workable business model
  • Lower your fees
  • Open your purse strings to small business and consumers
While many of these "options" may exceed $23M over time, it's a nice place to start.  Until then, the questions are these:  Where exactly did the $23M come from, Jamie, and when and to whom are you going to return the blood money? You see, Jamie, you're not really a Democrat.  You simply did what Wall Street does best - you "hedged" your bets. 

1 comment:

  1. Fantastic blog....and lets not forget paying back HUD for conveying all the bad titles on properties purportedly in default. I wonder if Jamie has even read the HUD IG report on his company?

    Robert Katula